During my lifetime, I’ve experienced human suffering. I've worked with disabled orphans in China, long-time street people in Atlanta, taught mentally- disturbed youth in the DC Jail,
tutored six year old sex offenders jailed outside Philadelphia and--until recently-- taught special needs children in Arkansas, those with severe disabilities. I understand the sufferings of others; I've faced human suffering every day.
It was only when my two daughters--children I carried in my body and in my heart-- abandoned me--- that I understood the meaning of the phrase “A lifetime of Suffering.”
My loss is permanent; loss is my constant companion.
I've experienced pain during my lifetime but this is a persistent pain that involves the most-sensitive
parts of the heart. This pain can’t be treated with surgery, medicine, or bed rest and social interaction only increases its severity. This pain is locked deep-down; it never goes away.
Living with such a painful sadness, always just one-step-away from tears, I desperately wanted to accept what I couldn’t change. I needed to be productive again…..not only for myself, but
for others..... But How?!?!?
Because of endless moves and re-locations, much of my life has stayed hidden in storage boxes. It’s
no coincidence that a simple cardboard box helped me shoulder much of the pain.
One day, looking through a stack
of old paperwork, I found the notes to an article I’d written about Visualization. Years before, living in Atlanta, I’d taken classes in Visualization. I learned that the mind has amazing powers-- undeveloped potential—powers that are
totally unknown to medicine, drugs, and psychiatry. Glancing through my notes, I was inspired to close my eyes, clear my mind, and visualize my hurt. Over time, I reunited with the power of Visualization and now, I refer to it as my coping
Trust me, it’s not Voo-Doo or Witchcraft. It’s simply the art of practicing Mind over Matter. Everyone must find their mind's most-comfortable "setting"....a
secure place that allows one to focus, without restrictions. I always visualize myself sitting on the floor in front of a large, dark TV Screen.
Visualization only works when you
are completely relax and are able to clear your mind of all distractions and outside forces. It requires the ability to create a picture in your mind, then focus. Here's how I do it:
I sit quietly, close my eyes, and keep clearing my mind until my focus is centered on something bare, or blank.....like a large screen TV. I visualize myself sitting on the floor, watching a large screen TV
that is attached to the wall. When I turn on the TV, everything is natural and, in color. I watch myself on the TV, sitting on the floor, surrounded by items that cause me to feel..... Loss, Sadness, Hurt, and Pain. I
see all my hurt.....my children's long-ago baby pictures, memories, birthday cards and letters I received. I visualize myself touching their childhood drawings, spoken words, newspaper clippings, and so
many items of their clothings.
One by one, I pick up each item, look at it, study it, and let my mind photograph it before placing it in the large and empty
white box beside me. I continue this process until I see myself sitting, all-alone, on the floor, with nothing left but the White Box. The Box is filled to the top with all the items that had been sitting around me.
I carefully tuck clean white tissue paper around and on-top of all the items before closing the Box and securing it with clear, heavy-duty tape.
My final gesture requires me to pick
up a red marker and with a steady hand, draw a large heart on top of the box. Then, using the same red marker, I print these words under the heart:
INSTRUCTIONS: “PLEASE DO NOT OPEN OR SHARE THE CONTENTS OF THIS BOX UNTIL AFTER MY DEATH."