ALONE AT CHRISTMAS.
There's an old saying "Misery loves company." It's not one-of-my- favorite expressions since I don't indulge in misery but, during the holiday season, I fight within myself… to stay positive.
I know I'm not alone when I say.....I dread Christmas. I spent a lifetime glorifying God’s birth but now, with no family, the Christmas Season challenges my heart. TIME WAS, when I loved singing beautiful music to celebrate the Birthday of the King…but not anymore. Now, the heart-touching music reminds me of the two times I gave birth and celebrated the beauty of new life. Years later, I have nothing to show for those births except physical and emotional scars. Apparently, some people are only meant to be in your life--- for the short-term. Often, those people make a choice as to "how long."
But, I stay busy; I have no other choice. In early 2018, I moved from my “forever” home and......as countless times before---started life over …in a strange-new place. Again, with no choice, I sold many lifetime treasures that represented happier times. Sometimes Life threatens you to do what’s required….or else. Again and again, I marvel that the heart can be broken endless times yet---miraculously—keeps on beating.
Possibly the most challenging day before my recent move….. was watching my grand piano being wheeled out of my life, forever. I felt like death had stolen my best friend. My beautiful and classic piano had faithfully responded to my touch since the early sixties but now…because of spiteful humans….its strings were rendered permanently silent. To me, a piano has never been a piece of furniture. A piano is a magnificent source of beauty that can be a solo voice, a full orchestra, or a simple melody. A piano stands ready to share a moment of happiness or an afternoon of grief, but most of all…it echos the sound of love through an expressive touch.
Here in this new and still-strange place, I continue to venture through boxes, determined to separate myself from more decades-old treasures. Every day I sort through saved photos, newspaper clippings, awards, journals, unpublished stories,and huge stacks of personal correspondence. With all my years on-the-move, there was never time to pigeon-hole my life into scrapbooks…only time to place it in more boxes.
Yes, I’m still very-much alone but I choose not to be lonely. My big dog Cubby and my two cats, Sugar Babe and Candy, are--at all times-- only one loving touch away. Also, I’ve formed friendships with countless birds, possums, squirrels, chipmunks….even deer…. who visit me regularly. They know me well; they know I love them.
Some of my most touching collectibles are in a special-marked box filled with hand-written love letters and cards….written by past boyfriends… most who died, too-long ago. I’ve re-read the love notes more than a few times and...can't help but wonder what happened to the letters I wrote them back. I treasure the sweet comments; even today, the expressions of love touch my heart.
Sadly, it's not easy to remember WHY my past loves and I didn’t make it to“forever”. What matters most is...we loved each other--for a time--with a very-special kind of love.... a love that only young, "first love", can never forget.
I look back on those years of innocent youth and…. feel grateful just knowing how I lived, loved, and was loved. I don't live in the past but...sometimes....I re-visit special memories that are forever stored in my heart.
I'm determined to live every day with meaning and purpose and love. Every time I open another cardboard box….I face another questionable journey but, over time, I've learned to quickly separate items into stacks of "yes" and "no". The "nos" are thrown in a large trash bag before I have time to second-guess myself.
And so--like Santa--I have a long to-do list with no time to waste. I stay focused just knowing that " Nothing last forever"---even Christmas, 2018.
Love to each of you--- as we close-out the old and welcome-in the new!