Jun. 11, 2020

ALTHOUGH GOD NEVER LEAVES ME, I'M STILL ALONE IN THIS WORLD OF "HUMANS".

I've decided to share a few "secrets" about me that few people know. From time to time...I'll open-up and share more from my tightly-closed..."Pandora's Box"

As a young child without playmates, I spent most days living in a pretend-playtime world, far-removed from my everyday reality. Not yet old-enough to attend school, I often rode my bicycle on the gravel streets near our rent house--- just looking at pretty homes, animals, noticing flowers and wondering about life.  Many times I saw adults,  and never hesitated to talk with them…pretending they were my age; pretending they were my good friends.

Sometimes, preferring to stay on-the-move and to distance myself from an abusive Mother,  I’d strap-on my metal skates and roll up and down the neighborhood sidewalks, playing-like I was “running away.”

All through the years, I’ve play-acted, pretended, and made those around me believe that being alone was my choice. But whether by choice or by fate—aloneness-- at any age-- is an ongoing adjustment. Being Alone is never easy yet—over time---you must accept what you can’t change.

I’m emotionally-strong.  I’ve learned to hide my vulnerabilities yet....I never forget I’m “all by myself”…whether I’m in my car, at the restaurant table, in the church pew, at the doctor's office, or in a crowd. 

I know how to smile; to appear confident and composed; and to “act” as if I planned my aloneness.  Surprisingly, most people think “Being Alone” is my idea. And, with every passing day, I'm convinced it's the best idea...for me.  

 My most difficult “alone” time….is Christmas.  The Music strikes at my very-sensitive heart. For so many years, singing beautiful Christmas solos--at Christmas Time was the ultimate Christmas Joy. I was always at my happiest... performing Christmas solos because…soloists are meant to sing alone. Singing was my message--through song---but now….I no-longer sing in public. My emotions lie too-near the surface and I can no-longer sing….without crying.  Beautiful music exposes too-many memories and my heart can’t bear to relive the past.

Now you know me.  True, I’m all-grown-up on the outside but inside…I’m still the same little girl...alone. OH, I know how to be happy and I know how to find satisfaction with myself but every now and then--- I remember rare moments of togetherness...and feel sad. 

Okay.  So, I’ve spent a lifetime—ALONE; a lifetime---all by myself. Maybe you share a similar story and also know about being alone.  IF NOT,  let me  assure you that “BEING ALONE” is not for the weak, the victim, or the “sheep”. 

Please stay close,

Sally