Jul. 31, 2020

LIFE IS A MATTER OF SURVIVING--SOMETIMES--- WITHOUT LOVE.

Growing up, my fear entrapped me, much like being physically restrained.   If I had drawn a picture of my situation, it would have shown a Monster placing a young child in a tiny cage, locking the door, then hanging the key on a chain around the Monster's neck.

"While traveling the Great Wall of China in 1990, I was routinely diverted from my adventure--- to search for water.  One such search took me on a journey, back in time.   I entered a small village and, to my surprise, saw a  group of Chinese people dressed in vintage-type government uniforms, wearing government-issued canvas shoes, topped by tattered Mao jackets. Their homes were primitive mud huts arranged in a circle and, in the center of the circle, stood a large, open fire for heat and community cooking.  I watched approximately twenty Chinese-- all extremely thin-- exercise together as a recorded-voice barked instructions over a loud speaker. 

 This centuries-old village, locked in a distant past, was home to a small population of older Chinese who lived by following recorded instructions from unseen leaders. I watched as the expressionless villagers moved like robots--in silence--while performing simple chores.  Mounted on a tall wooden pole in the middle of the town's center, an ancient-looking loud speaker blasted scratchy recordings of long-dead leaders.  The recordings, decades-old, quoted passages from Mao’s Little Red Book.

 No one noticed me; no one looked my way as I opened my sleeping bag near the community fire. Tired, always tired, I barely remember lying down that chilly evening before sleep arrived. It was completely dark when I was awakened by another long-ago recording…with the same authoritative voice… ordering everyone to leave their huts and unite in exercise.

I watched as the villagers gathered in the courtyard, in the dark, and began exercising to patriotic music from Mao’s glory years.  It was horrifying to watch human beings--like well-trained dogs-- perform-on-command. Clearly, these older Chinese had been trained from birth. 

I identified with their obedience; I understood childhood conditioning."

Absolute Obedience was a requirement at our house.  Since early childhood, my mother trained me to fear her and, like a caged animal with the cage door left opened, I knew better than to "run away."  My master “collared” me at birth and forced me to live on a very short leash.  In my book, "THE BEAUTY QUEEN",  I explain--in detail-- how my mother sexually molested me from childhood but-- it was never about sex.  She used sex as her weapon of control; her weapon of power.

Reading about my mother and her evil control--about my years of sexual abuse-- must be difficult for those who never experienced abuse, most particularly, sexual abuse.   No doubt, many readers are shocked… while others may be skeptical. Despite what anyone believes, life has never been easy for me. Rather, my life has been a marathon of serious challenges. 

As a little girl, I practiced play-acting.  I taught myself to be positive, hopeful, outgoing and pleasant, while carefully- hiding the dirtiest of secrets. I learned very early to be a good actress.  I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.

 I was so ashamed yet so deathly afraid of my mother... I could never tell my nasty secret to anyone.  SO, I’ve lived life as two different people. I was the public Sally with monumental goals and endless possibilities while the second person was the little girl in me-- the forever child. She was the long-time keeper of THE SECRET which allowed the Public Sally to break-free of the past.

 I suppose most people believed I had it all, that I was the typical self-centered, overly-confident-- prima donna-- with an easy, painless life. Appearances can be deceptive…especially when you’ve lived a lifetime as: SALLY MILLER,THE BEAUTY QUEEN.