Dec. 16, 2020

CHRISTMAS SADNESS

 

I wrote this very-emotional “confession” four years ago---today.

There's an old saying "Misery loves company." It's not among my favorite sayings since I don't indulge in misery yet, to be honest, I wasn’t sure my heart could survive the sadness of being alone at Christmas in 2016.    But…. here I am…four years later… more thankful than ever for my many blessings.   

December 16, 2016.

“I know I'm not alone when I say.....I dread Christmas. I love God and the glory of his birth but the season breaks my heart.  There was a time I loved singing all the beautiful Christmas Music-- celebrating the Birthday of The King-- but not anymore.  Now, it reminds me when I gave birth....twice... and  celebrated the magic of new life.   Today.... I have nothing to show for those births except physical and emotional scars.

When 2017 begins, I will put a FOR SALE  Sign on my forever- house and......as countless times before---start life over again.  I must also sell a lifetime of treasures that represent happier places and happier times. Each treasure has a story, whether I saved it from an old building in China.....rescued it from a Pennsylvania dumpster....or used it to accompany voice students on its-once magnificent strings. None of this is what I want. But, I have no choice. Clearly…."Money can’t make you happy" yet---- it offers choices.

Every night, in an attempt to downsize, I pull another storage box on the bed to examine its content-- to sort-through a lifetime of saved photos, newspaper clippings, and correspondence. Over the years-- always on the move-- my life accumulated in storage boxes rather than scrapbooks.

I have one-of-a-kind photos, newspaper clippings of myself, my children, and others, and stacks of valuable articles.  Probably the most touching memories come from hand-written love letters, written by long-ago boyfriends, most who've been gone, far-too long.

 So....I look at the heart-breaking pictures, read the emotional articles, and treasure the confessions of young boyfriends and lovers.  For just a little while, I re-live the momentary thrill of being young again and in-love.

 Regardless of the years, I'll never forget how it felt to love and be loved. And, I still yearn for those years when every day had meaning and purpose and hope. These days, I'd love life to consisted of much- more than an emotional journey through a dusty, old  cardboard box. 

Can someone please tell me how to throw-away a lifetime of living and loving....and continue to live?”

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OKAY.  I made it through the past four years and---here I am….still dreading Christmas but not as much as last year…and even less than the year before so…I believe I’m growing stronger, year after year.  In another four years….I’ll probably be strong enough to lift tall buildings... but regardless of how strong I become….I know my heart will stay soft and loving….and still be sad for those I’ll never see again.

I haven't seen them in ten years yet...every night... I tell my two grandsons “Good Night” and promise to love them, forever.  I remain hopeful that God will grant my wish to “hold them close” some day…soon. 

 Life offers no guarantees and certainly no “happy endings” but...with time... I’ve learned to value my memories….even the sad ones.