SADNESS OF THE HEART...HURTS.
I WROTE THIS ARTICLE EXACTLY ONE YEAR AGO ...AFTER LEARNING THAT MY THIRTY YEAR REUNION WITH THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA...HAD BEEN CANCELLED BY THE STATE DEPARTMENT:
"Basically, I’m a happy person. I don’t depend on anyone but me-- for my happiness---which is certainly a “good thing”! I have no family—no one—and, earlier this year, Death took the last of my close friends.
For the last several weeks, I’ve been experiencing a deep sadness…much-like grieving the loss of a great love. At times, the sadness is so emotionally-intense---I have no choice but cry. Such serious-sadness occupies my thoughts during the day as well as the nighttime hours. Dreams wake me…and I’m instantly-flooded with happy moments from the past—as they replay in my mind.
I write about my Dreams in detail...and study them. I know--for certain—that everything in my life has a reason and a purpose.
Based on my behavioral/emotional/factual notes…I searched to find the reason for my sadness...and I found the answer. This was the month I was scheduled to return to China for ten days.
It was the year--2020-- AND it was the 30 year anniversary of my “FIRST EVER” journey of THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA. My project was called: ALL THE WALL and, like 30 years ago, I had successfully-engaged sponsors from both China and America…so my return to China’s Great Wall would be FREE to me.
China’s Leaders had also arranged for me to meet with North Korea’s Leader, Kim Jon Un so I could "experience" a specific section of The Great Wall that “overlaps” North Korea’s border. That would be a significant "FIRST".
I’d been so emotionally-excited about this wonderful reunion with China and my old friend---The Great Wall---and then----The World Stopped.
Is it any wonder that I feel such sadness, such grief, such loss?!?!? I never realized…until now…that fulfilling a childhood dream like mine…seldom happens to the most-serious dreamers. Yes. It was a great love that has lived in my heart for almost a lifetime so---why wouldn’t I want to return to enjoy more happiness?!?!?!? Why wouldn’t I want to, once again, relive that feeling of intense accomplishment?!?!?
Thirty Years ago yet...it feels like yesterday. My sponsors suggested we could simply “postpone” the 30 year reunion…and re-activate it-- next year. Sadly-disappointed, The Little Girl in Me believes “The magic comes from the fact—we traveled The Great Wall exactly…thirty years ago…not “thirty-one years or Thirty-two years” ago................
“The more I mature, the less I allow ugliness from my past to invade my present. Instead, I block-out the ugliness with memorable moments. My Great Wall remembrances are never far away—they find me when I’m sitting in traffic, walking by the fast-moving river, or watching smoke-trails from a highflying jet.
The Wall is with me when I smell wetness on mossy rocks,or jog through frost-covered grass. My memories often consume me and, like stepping into cold rain on a scorching-hot day, my body shivers with anticipation. I close my eyes and, in an instant, I’m back on The Wall.
Those are the times I can touch the wind, hear the silence, and share aloneness—all under a brilliantly-blue, open-parasol sky—that speaks only Chinese. I share those moments with tears filling my eyes, running down my face, dripping from my chin....and I don’t stop them.
Tears are my evidence, my emotional reminders. Yes, I was really there. The magic comes from knowing my—“Once upon a time”— began with a nine year old girl, a teacher, a geography book....and a Dream.”
Someday, only God knows when, I’ll be back with my old friend….The Great Wall Of China....and this time, I’ll never leave.
UPDATE: These days---judging from the escalating tensions and cold-feelings between China and America--- being constantly fueled by Democrats—I fear it will be too-many years before any unity or friendship occurs between the two countries.
YET…I will never stop believing in The Great Wall of China. The strong BOND between the two of us... can and will-forever triumph over politics.
I’ll keep you alerted as I...once again...make plans to reunite with a glorious part of my past.