Sep. 25, 2021

MY LIPS SAID "I DO"---WHILE MY HEART REMAINED SILENT.

I've never been much on numbers; math classes scared me. But, I do remember numbers, significant numbers, when they relate to special dates on the calendar. Even when I try to forget some of them...the numbers insist on taking-me-back to a particular time and place.

Like today, September 25.  Sixty-two years ago, today-- a  really-long time ago--- was my wedding day. I have photos of that day....with bridesmaids, a well-decorated First Christian Church, the reception in my parents' home, and the big honeymoon "exit".

That day was my biggest lifetime test. Looking back, it should have been my "screen test" and, maybe, Hollywood would have altered my life....forever.  Too bad I was the only one who knew I was playing a part that day---publically- pretending to be happy.   Even at the young age of 20...almost 21 years....I was forced to be a convincing actress.

 I was well-practiced in the art of pretend.  It didn't matter if I was happy--or sad.  It was only important that I please my Mother.  My Mother demanded that I get married, act like a happy bride--and marry the person she'd chosen to be my husband.

1959 was way-back-when.  There's very-little left of that Sally--- the young girl who pretended to be a happy bride that September day.  It took a divorce, a lot of time, a complicated career, the death of my mother and the loss of my daughters but—eventually---I stopped pretending. Somewhere along the way, I discovered happiness and---found it in the strangest place.  I'm happy now because I know that True Happiness doesn't come from others.   Happiness comes from me.

PS--From childhood, through adulthood, and beyond the grave---there's only one person who knows me best and loves me most.  I have never needed to pretend with him.  The only photo in my Wedding Book that shows me genuinely happy---is the photo of me on the arm of my Father.  Today-- like every day-- I remember him.

My Father will always be my Happiness.  I love you, Daddy.

Sally Miller