Nov. 2, 2021

THERE ARE TWO OF ME.

I've decided to share some of my "Secrets" --- few people know. From time to time---I share secrets from my tightly-closed..."Pandora's Box."

As a young child without playmates, I spent most days living in a pretend-playtime world, far-removed from my everyday reality. Not yet old-enough to attend school, I often rode my bicycle on the gravel streets near our rent house--- just looking at pretty homes, animals, noticing flowers and wondering about life.  Many times I saw grown-ups and never hesitated to talk with them--pretending they were my age---pretending they were my close friends.

Sometimes, preferring to stay on-the-move and to distance myself from an abusive Mother, I’d strap-on my metal skates and roll up and down the neighborhood sidewalks, playing-like I was “running away.”

All through the years, I’ve play-acted, pretended, and made those around me believe that being alone was my choice. But whether by choice or by fate—aloneness-- at any age-- is an ongoing adjustment. Being alone is never easy yet—over time---I’ve learned I must accept what I’m unable to change.

I’m emotionally-strong.  I’ve learned to hide my vulnerabilities yet---I never forget I’m “all alone—all by myself”---whether I’m in my car, at the restaurant, in the church pew, at the doctor's office, or in a crowd.

I know how to smile; to appear confident and composed; to “act” as if I planned my aloneness.  Surprisingly, most people think “Being Alone” is my idea. And—over time—I’ve convinced myself---it's the best idea for me. 

 My most difficult “alone” time--is Christmas. Every year, Christmas Music nearly destroys my very-sensitive heart. For so many years, singing beautiful Christmas solos--at Christmas Time-- was my ultimate Christmas Joy. I was always at my happiest--performing Christmas solos because--soloists are meant to sing alone. Singing was my message--through song---but now-- I no-longer sing in public. My emotions lie too-near the surface and I can no-longer sing without crying.  Beautiful music exposes too-many memories and my heart can’t bear to relive the past.

Now you know me.  True, I’m all-grown-up on the outside but inside--I’m just the same little girl all-alone. OH, I know how to be happy and I know how to find satisfaction with myself but every now and then-- I remember rare moments of togetherness with others--and can-barely hide the sadness.

Okay.  So, I’ve spent a lifetime—ALONE; a lifetime---all by myself. Maybe you share a similar story and also know about being alone. Aloneness is not uniquely-mine. 

If you've never suffered from being alone--on a regular basis--- let me assure you it's not for the weak--or the victim--or the “sheep.” Only the strongest will survive aloneness's relentless-devastation.

Please stay close,

Sally