1. Man comes into the ER and yells, " My wife's going to have her baby in the cab". So...I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark Mac Donald, San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths,". . . I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be:".replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?"...I asked. "The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered …"Why, not for about twenty years, back when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR
5. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked..."So how's your breakfast this morning?" He replied "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste. ” I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,Detroit, MI
6. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN.. no name.
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . .. . . . . . . . .
7. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . . 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running do her cheeks from laughing so hard. "No doctor but the song you were whistling was ...'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
AND....ONE MORE--- My Favorite.......
8. Baby's First Doctor Visit. This made me laugh out loud! I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby. Checking the baby's weight and being a little concerned, the doctor asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' the woman replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Then, motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' the woman replied. 'I'm his Grandma... but... I'm glad I came.
In 1983, I developed a flawless plan to save my dying hometown of Pine Bluff, Arkansas. Determined to PUT THE STEAM-- OF THE 819-- BACK IN PINE BLUFF, I entered the 1984 Mayor’s Race. Based on Arkansas's long history as a Democratic stronghold, I had very-little chance of winning but….I never walk-away from a fight.
Today, the town is dead. Sure, there’s still some talk about “saving” Main Street or the Saenger Theater or a historic hotel but….”words without actions” are the basic reasons the town died from the beginning. I don’t waste time thinking about “what could have been”. For years, I'd experienced the town's slow, painful death; I felt confident about the simple ingredients needed for it's survival but...that's another book.
Four years ago, when I wrote my first-book, I revealed a few of the telling-events, nasty people, and frustrating emotions I experienced while trying to save a town from arrogant, self-centered residents.
I've since- learned that laughter “lightens” my load when struggling with difficult memories.
“About eight years ago, I connected with one of my daughter’s friends on Social Media. She messaged me saying:
“In 1984, when you ran for Mayor of Pine Bluff, my grandmother was absolutely infuriated when your ex-husband’s family took out a full-page Ad in the paper supporting your opponent. She also told everyone how disgraceful and disrespectful she thought it was when they called you a lesbian. It really boiled her blood! She voted for you, by the way.”
Sometime during the Mayoral Race, phone calls to my campaign headquarters, questioning volunteers about my sexual preference, became more and more frequent. It didn’t take a political analyst to know who was fanning the rumor flames. There was no doubt who was trying to discredit me, destroy my reputation, and attack my character. Between my ex-husband, his family, the Clintons, and the Democratic Party, the opposition had an organized team of haters—all determined to bring me down.
The day I was forced to stand on the steps of Pine Bluff’s Convention Center and declare “I’m not a Lesbian”… was a difficult day. My parents were the only people standing with me; my volunteers and supporters stayed far away.
To my knowledge… no beauty queen in the history of Arkansas politics-- ever uttered the word “Lesbian” in public and certainly-not in a press conference. I issued my statement--late morning—to only two reporters yet, by that evening, every radio and TV station in Arkansas carried my press conference as the 6 p.m. news’ ---lead story.
Several months later, I appeared on a popular talk-radio show. The call-in lines were packed with people wanting to express themselves...some in-support of my run for Mayor; others denouncing me or challenging me; still others were anxious to bombard me with questions.
I wasn’t surprised when an older-sounding woman called to chastise me for daring to discuss the word....Lesbian. She proudly announced she had contacted the Miss Arkansas Committee to “report” me and demand they “take-back” my crown and my title.
After sufficiently beating-me-up with harsh words and threats, the older woman seemed satisfied and was about to hang-up when she remembered a question she wanted to ask. These were her exact words: “Not that I’m really interested but I am curious. How in the world can two women with the same body parts, have sex? Most particularly, how can the two of you have an ORGANISM?”
Trying to be respectful yet not laugh, I said “Ma’am, as I told you before, I am not a Lesbian. I have no idea how Lesbians perform sexually but, as a heterosexual, I am familiar with the word “ORGASM”. What I find confusing is—not even ONCE in my life—have I heard of ANYONE having an ORGANISM. Please, tell me what I’m missing?!?!” The older woman screamed out-loud and hung up the phone.
The show host, overcome with laughter, quickly went to a commercial….while I... just kept smiling.
NECROPHILIA'S COLD-HARD FACTS.
If you've lived all your life without knowing about NECROPHILIA, it's time you learned. You've surely heard of grave robbers who dig up the dead just to rob them of rings, watches, jewelry of any kind. The very idea of such intrusion makes me sick.
But---imagine beyond-sick people called NECROPHILES, who dig up the dead to enjoy their company--to make friends--to dress and un-dress them, AND.... to have sex.
In the early eighties, I had a talk-radio show in Little Rock, Arkansas. One day I received a call from a newspaper reporter/friend, asking if I wanted to join him at a Trailer Park outside North Little Rock to experience an exclusive story-in-the-making. Of course, always loving adventure, I quickly said "yes".
No one, not even the toughest among us, can prepare for the sight of dead bodies. I watched an old metal trailer door being ripped from its hinges as military police took possess of a crime scene.
Inside were the long-dead bodies of three women who, at the time of their deaths, were 17 years, 25 years, and forty-one years of age. The most-recent dead was a seventeen year old who had been laid-to-rest, ten months earlier. The twenty five year-old-female had been in her grave for five years before her long sleep was interrupted and she was found in this old, creepy trailer.
Inside, two of the women were lying naked on a bare mattress in the small trailer's only bedroom. The youngest woman was lying on her back in the bathtub. Her hair was wet, like it had recently been washed. Probably most bizarre to me...the woman's eyes were wide-open. The trailer's kitchen cabinets were crowded--not with food--but with boxes of condoms, bras and panties, nightgowns--even makeup and nail polish.
No one knew for certain how long the airman from the nearby Jacksonville Air Force Base had practiced his cold, deadly obsession for lifeless, female-playmates. Records showed he'd rented the Trailer more than 3 years earlier and none of the other residents suspected anything strange about his comings and goings....not even his wife, an expectant mother. Yes, he had a regular family in another community where he was considered a good husband, a promising father, and a military service man with a flawless military record but...
I was hooked. I'd never experienced life at its creepiest/craziest and I needed answers. Several days later, when I introduced Necrophilia on my talk show, choosing to educate the public about its meaning (while carefully avoiding details of my recent encounter), The Station was bombarded by attorneys' calls, demanding I change the subject, immediately. It was clear I'd touched on classified information that the military deemed off-limits to the public.
I followed the case closely, wanting to know more about the airman, his family, and his eventual punishment. But, in spite of our persistence, neither my reporter-friend or I were able to "dig up" much more. We learned only that the trailer had been moved from its long-time address and...that the women were all laid-to-rest...again.. in undisclosed locations.
Years ago, as a married woman, nothing upset me more than to be wakened from a peaceful sleep....for sex. Being a dutiful wife, I seldom refused but....I still remember just lying there, feeling dead inside....much like a corpse.
So, to guarantee my eternal rest and uninterrupted sleep...I've elected to be cremated.
SEPTEMBER 25--the day I married long ago-- will arrive Friday. The marriage was meaningless but this photo of me with my handsome Father is priceless. Some moments are worth remembering!
TWO YEARS AGO. Another move, another unfamiliar path, and---like many times before---I'm starting over.... alone. But, I have more determination than before. Unlike all the other times...I'm now invincible.
Who needs the love of humans when you have the unconditional love and acceptance of a 120 pound love-dog named Cubby and three of the sweetest Kitty Babies- ever... named Cookie, Candy, and Sugar Babe?!?!?
Even grown-ups--like me--play mind games-- pretending someone loves us, worries about us....sincerely cares. At one time, I was the worst... always trying to convince myself...and others....that my two daughters loved me.
Now, I have no illusions. I've faced the facts; I've accepted the truth.
When my Father died, I lost the only person who truly loved me. Thankfully, I inherited my Father's determination to survive....his refusal to be a victim....and his strength to overcome obstacles.
My Father also faced life, alone. He lived with his number-one-enemy---my Mother--but through the years, he mastered the art of control. He managed to suppress his anger; he never lost his temper; he never let my Mother bully him into a fight.
And, my Father never lost his ability to work hard, create business plans, make money, and share his heart. Too bad, I was the only one who loved him ...who appreciated his many talents. In the end---I was the only one who mattered.
The best way to honor my father is to NEVER BE A VICTIM. Today, I joined the National Rifle Association---not because I Love Guns ....but because I Love Freedom.
Today's World is crazy. I would never have believed Congress would fund a for-profit business like Planned Parenthood. They make billions of dollars from selling the multiple body parts of aborted babies... slaughtered daily, both inside and outside the womb.
And, I would never have imagined the Media--a Profession Once--Dear To My Heart, would joined forces with Liberals in the most-evil of all plans to control America, destroy God, embrace Islam, and promote racism. So--
I'm preparing to fight. I may be"over the hill" as far as age but never underestimate the ability of someone-- like me-- who has little to lose.
Besides...I've had a great deal of experience fighting "the enemy". If you want a few examples--read my book, THE BEAUTY QUEEN. And, I'm not through yet. I'm still writing.
The old saying "life is what you make it" is correct. Each of us has the ability to change ourselves, our direction, our beliefs, and still live--successfully-- alone.
Yes, I own guns and I will proudly STAND UP AND FIGHT BACK for my God, my Country, and Myself.
MY MISSION will be to stay mentally-sharp and physical-strong until The End. I will not be a victim.
It's the very least I can do to honor the gentle-man who knew me best, taught me well, and loved me most.
I Love You, Daddy.
If you’re lonely or seek attention---Get a Dog.
"Checking our bags at the Little Rock Airport Terminal after a brief visit in Pine Bluff, my youngest daughter and I were impressed with all the attention Miss Starr was receiving inside the terminal.
No doubt, “Missy”--- as we so-often called her--- enjoyed the affectionate hugs, pats, and comments from strangers of all ages. Tall, stately, and a natural blonde.... Missy, a standard poodle... proudly displayed her Pedigree and Show Dog manners; she managed to wear her Traditional Poodle Cut like a princess.
Also checking in at the crowded ticket desk, a group of young men---surrounded by guitar cases, sound equipment, and other performance paraphernalia--- began paying attention to Missy, petting her and commenting on her classic good looks.
One man in the group was particularly friendly and soon struck up a conversation. He was tall, nice-looking, and his name was Ken Cross. I couldn’t help but notice his ear lobes, not only pierced but also tattooed with half-moon designs (Don’t forget, this was the early eighties and tattoos were rare.)
It wasn’t long before my daughter and I met each of Ken’s friends, learning they had performed in Little Rock the night before and were now returning home. Sorry we had missed their show, they asked for our address, saying they wanted to send us tickets for future performances.
On the flight to Philadelphia, my daughter and I were sitting in coach until Ken came looking for us, insisting we join his group. Since the group had purchased every seat in First Class, there were quite a few extra seats. Before leaving us in Philadelphia, our new friends insisted on sharing lots of hugs and kisses for all concerned…including Miss Starr.
For several years after our surprising airport encounter, we---and that included Miss Starr--- received tickets to concerts, invitations to dinner, even Christmas Cards from our new friends....The Doobie Brothers. "