GIVE ME THAT OLD-TIME RELIGION!
"If you need to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly."
"The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."
"Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson's sermons."
"Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers."
"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
"Maundy Thursday service: The ladies of the altar guild will be stripping on the altar."
"The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'"
"This evening at 7:00 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."
"Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get."
"The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning."
"The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church."
"Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community."
"A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."
"Mr. Bradford was elected and has accepted the office of head deacon. We could not get a better man."
"Announcement to the Moms Who Care ladies group: There will be no Moms Who Care this week."
"Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
"After the sermon: A moment of silence for prayer and medication."
"Visitors are asked to sing their names at the church entrance."
"The class on prophecy has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances."